Ultimately any place will work to get you and yours hitched

Following far on the heels of my last informative wedding plans post comes another about venues. This time I want to talk wedding ceremony venues. Do you need one? Not if you’re lucky. You could hold the ceremony

in the same space as the reception. After all, the typical wedding ceremony only lasts a half hour. You might as well reuse the reception space and keep it easy on the guests and the wallet. That move is highly recommended for couples on a tight budget, but most brides wouldn’t dream of such a thing. No, you need a church, or something just as lovely as a church. Either way it’s one more vendor to deal with, one more thing to worry about, and one more check to write. Thankfully, a wedding ceremony venue isn’t that bad to nail down.

Similar to wedding reception venues ceremony spots tend to fall into a few different categories.

The religious and traditional wedding ceremony venue

I can’t speak for other faiths, but for Christians this means securing a house of worship for a few hours. Think that’s easy? Think again. Most parishes have strict guidelines regarding who is allowed to marry in their church. It’s common to only allow members of the congregation. So, if you really want a specific church for your wedding and you don’t belong to the parish, then you better “join” ASAP. You’ll want at least a few months of attendance before you hit them up to get married there otherwise you risk looking like a schmuck who joined the parish just to use their building. Also, there may be classes and/or training involved. Catholics in particular make it difficult by only allowing two Catholics to marry in their church. I know because I’m Catholic but my wife is not. We couldn’t get married in our alma mater’s chapel without jumping through  hoops. On the bright side, the cost to get married in a house of worship is usually reasonable.

The nature-centric wedding ceremony venue

This is the outdoor space. A forest preserve or other village/town/city park district zone. Permits are cheap but setup and tear down is all you. You don’t need much (some folding chairs, maybe an arch), but you’ll need to hire a hand or ask Uncle Frank to lug the furniture around and make sure the space is set up and later cleaned up on the day of the event. A little more orchestrating goes into having an outdoor wedding ceremony, and you have the weather to contend with, but if all that falls into place the results could be lovely.

The dual purpose wedding ceremony venue

This is the combo spot. A place where you hold the ceremony and later the reception. It could be a historical mansion, your home, a hotel, or a publicly permitted landmark. Lots of options here and prices are all over the board. There are a lot of upsides to using a combo space: no travel between venues, potential to combine outdoor and indoor spaces on the same grounds, usually these places are big and gorgeous. The only downside is that it’s not a cathedral, and in the case of some combo spots, like a hotel, it just doesn’t feel very wedding-like. Frankly, I think this is the way to go if you can find the right space. That’s especially true if they include catering for the wedding reception.

Of course this is not a comprehensive list. There are exotic options like a beach for a destination wedding. For most folks, however, the above wedding ceremony venue options are the most common. Did I miss one? Let me know and I’ll add it to the list along with my two cents.

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So I’m a happily married man, and my wife tells me she’s a happily married woman. Nonetheless I still have man wedding knowledge to share so I intend to keep this series going for a few more posts. So stay tuned and I’ll write something soon. I’m thinking a post about ceremony venue shopping to follow up on my previous one about wedding reception venues. Got a better idea? Please let me know. I like to write about what people want to hear.

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You can do whatever you want at your wedding reception, but you have to find the right place to do it.

Once you have a head count there is no time to waste on booking your venues. They book fast and you need the perfect one on a good date. This is the crucial next step because you can’t book vendors without a date or location. It’s also your biggest expense and will set the tone for your whole wedding budget.

Wedding venues fall into categories based on what they provide. Which is right for you depends on your time frame and the type of wedding you and your fiancé(e) are willing to pay for. Reception venues broadly fall into these categories:

The gorgeous but no help and closes early landmark

Usually park district, state, or university owned these venues are cheap and would turn heads when decked out in your wedding day’s decor. The downside is that you get little more than the space and some tables and chairs. Everything else (catering, setup, etc) is left to you to manage and coordinate. Also, the hours of operation tend to be short leaving you having to end or move the party right after its really begun. These venues make wedding planning extra intense, but could come off looking best.

The fairly inclusive with place to stay hotel

Hosting a wedding reception at a hotel has many pluses. For one, accommodations for out of town guests and those who don’t want to drive home are readily available and convenient. For two, hotels usually have their own bar and catering staff, leaving you with at least one less major vendor to deal with.  A hotel package may even include a florist, cake maker, or day-of event coordinator all of which will make your life easier. Whatever the case you’ll likely still need to provide a DJ and photographer at least.

The all-inclusive destination wedding

The destination wedding is an attractive option not only because of the vacation locale but because travel time and expenses automatically limit the number of guests that can and will attend the wedding. To top it off most resorts specializing in destination weddings provide everything needed for the big day. That means you only have one vendor to deal with, which is great, but you better like what they do and be flexible with you expectations.

The outside but risky wedding

If you’re lucky enough to live in a place that is sunny 300+ days a year then you could secure a permit for a lovely park and have your wedding reception outdoors for cheap. If you’re like me and live in a place with unpredictable weather then you don’t have that luxury. You could find a venue that accommodates outdoor receptions if the weather is good but has an indoor area for if the weather is bad. Typically, however, the indoor backup isn’t as nice as the outdoor setup, or as a place that does everything indoors.

The inclusive wedding factory

These are the one-stop-shop wedding joints. You can have your ceremony here, your reception, and they’ll cater everything for you. Photographer, DJ, and/or florist  very well may be included. This is the type of place you want if you’re in a rush, though you will sacrifice quality. It’s also a good option for the budget conscious since the price is usually quite reasonable.

So what did Tina and I choose? We went with the semi-inclusive hotel option. Specifically the Intercontinental O’Hare. Guest accommodation was easy and the hotel took care of the catering. The hotel rep we worked with even doubled as a day-of coordinator for us. We handled the ceremony, DJ, photographer, and florist on our own.

Stay tuned! I’ll talk wedding ceremony venues and officiants in a future post.

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Wedding plans have been frying my brain

Given my recent post on wedding guest list management and wedding proposals it may seem like my wedding is a ways off. In fact, it’s right around the corner on October 1st. I’ve just been pathetically slow at writing posts for this blog series. It’s not easy finding time to write when I’m juggling full-time work, full on wedding plans, my wedding invitation business, and Chicago summer socializing. Something has to give. Thank God fall is here!

Before I reveal more incredible insight on wedding planning I thought I’d give an update on where Tina & I are in the process. We think we have most of the bases covered. Here are the bases:

• We reserved a ceremony location
• We have someone to perform the ceremony
• We have someone to photograph the whole day
• We reserved a reception location
• We have a DJ for dancing
• We chose the dinner & cake
• Tina planned the “tablescape”
• Tina chose all the flowers
• Tina took care of her bridesmaids dresses and gifts
• I took care of my groomsmen suits and gifts
• We both have our wedding clothes
• We sent out our wedding invitations
• We arranged a honeymoon
• We printed place cards and ceremony programs
• We reserved a block of rooms at the reception hotel for guests
• We arranged goodie bags for guests who stay at the hotel
• We put together party favors for the dining tables.
• We planned the ceremony
• We scheduled a ceremony rehearsal
• My parents arranged a rehearsal dinner
• Tina’s parents arranged the tea ceremony
• We picked our first and parent dance songs
• We gathered a list of songs for the DJ
• We’ve had two (!) wedding showers

We still have to..

• Buy more gifts
• Learn how to dance
• Figure out table seating
• Do other stuff that I’m unaware of

Phew! That’s 8 months of work. Now we’re down to the wire. Are we missing anything?? I hope we’ve got it together because my patience is running thin on all things wedding. Time to get this show on the road!

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So far in my one man’s wedding series I’ve discussed engagement rings and my engagement story. Now I’m going to switch focus to the wild world of wedding planning. First let’s consider the guest list. This powerful document names all people you and your beloved deem worthy of attending your special event. It is the head count keeper, and thus the biggest determining factor in the cost of your wedding. That’s because you need a head count to determine how big of a venue to get, how much food to order, and how much booze to buy. After engagement most couples start their wedding plans by creating a guest list. That’s what Tina & I did. At first it was fun, but it quickly got out of control. Between our friends and my family we had a BIG list. A too big list that needed to be cut down because each name is at least $100 to feed and keep plied with alcohol. It’s a common situation, and when it occurs you need to trim the list. But everyone on the guest list is important, right? Wrong! You and your lovely need to thin out the crowd with a few rules.

Two simple rules may help reign in your guest list greatly:

1. No kids allowed
2.+1s are limited

I find #1 to be any easy call. Kids won’t appreciate the wedding in its entirety and they will distract from their parent’s good time. Let them stay home. The point is clear if you just leave their names off the invitations.

#2 is trickier. Some single friends will want to attend solo, others will not. You can give the +1 option to all single friends but then you open the door to them bringing a random person along and you paying for people you don’t know. You could take away the +1 option completely and save a lot of cash, but some friends may feel alone and uncomfortable at your wedding. You could mix the option based on your perception of the invited’s feeling toward attending solo. Your call, but there’s a lot of room to save big here.

Next comes the hard part. Take a look at the friends on the list. When was the last time you communicated with these people? Last week? Then they should be invited. 8 months ago? If you’re comfortable dropping them do so. 2 years ago? Gone. They’re an easy kill. Drop ‘em.

Next take a look at the family on the list. If one of the marrying families is small then all members should be invited. If one of the families is large, stretching across the country and back generations, then take a cold and honest look at these folks. When was the last time you spoke to them? Was it at that family reunion in 1993? If yes then they don’t need to be invited. You don’t really know them any more! Did you grow up with this person or are they close to your nuclear family? If yes then they’re a keeper. Are they a black sheep and you just feel obligated to invite them? Don’t.

Now that you’ve culled the herd and freed up some loot it’s time to take it a step further and introduce a proper B-list. Don’t know about the B-list? If you ever received a wedding invitation 3 weeks before the occasion then you probably do know the B-list.

The B-list is the second string guest list. Guests on the B-list are invited as A list guests RSVP as “unable to attend.” Everyone does a B-list, and there’s really nothing wrong with it, but they are a wedding’s dirty little secret. That said the B-list is an opportunity for you to relieve some guilt and consider a friend as invited to the wedding. They just may never get an invitation!

There you have it; rules, culls, and a B-list. That will hone any wedding guest list into a well thought out document full of people you actually want to celebrate with and spend money on.

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I’m terrible with foreign language. Luckily I have a buddy whose lady is a native Korean and fluent English speaker. They are close friends that I knew I could count on to give me a translation I could trust. So I put together a few statements in English that were simple, sincere, and to the point. Then I asked Marc and Young to help me translate. Young translated each statement into respectful Korean and wrote it out in phonetics for me. Then she recorded each statement on my iPhone so I could practice with proper pronunciation. That was everything I needed to get my words out well. Thank God for their help!

Tina’s family knew beforehand why I asked them to tea. Even so I do believe they appreciated the gesture. Certainly they were stunned when I pulled out my practice sheet and began speaking formal Korean (I didn’t dare try to memorize). I don’t think I’ve seen Tina’s father smile as much as he did then. The pressure was off once I got through my phrases. I didn’t mangle too many words and they were happy for Tina & I. Nice words were exchanged.

By the time I arrived at Tina’s place she had the scoop on the meeting from her sister. What can I say? She was impressed with my Korean! Before I forgot how to say everything I read to Tina what I said to her parents. She cried. I was relieved. I wrote the date on my practice sheet and gave it to her as a keepsake. After that there was only one thing left to do.

At that point I  wasn’t sure how I would propose, but I did know when. I wanted to do it that weekend. When Saturday rolled around I put the engagement ring in my shirt pocket and waited for the right moment. When that moment came I whipped out the ring, said the few sweet words I wanted to say (in English), and waited for a reply. I got a yes.

Anticlimactic? Perhaps a little. The fact is our engagement memory is not only about my words to Tina but also my words to her family, all of which were about her. Little did I know how much my attempt at simple Korean would mean. Thankfully all went well, we’re happy, and Tina has a nice ring with a good story to tell.

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I decided early on that I wasn’t going to take the total surprise approach with my proposal. That’s not my style. I like to be sure of what I’m doing and the outcome. That said Tina knew a ring was coming her way, she just didn’t know  when. Since I had nothing to hide I wanted to pick her brain about the type of engagement ring she thought she’d like. So, Tina & I looked at rings online, and I made mental notes of her preferences. Then one Saturday I paid a visit to Chicago’s Jewelers Row.

I had no idea how to shop for an engagement ring. My goal for the day was to get familiar with the process. I knew I wouldn’t buy until later and I knew I was unlikely to visit the jeweler I would purchase from. What was important to me was learning about diamonds and getting an idea of what the engagement ring would cost. I went to two popular jewelers that day and got the same spiel on “the 4 Cs” (color, cut, clarity, & caret) as well as similar ballpark numbers on cost. The most important lesson I learned: you have to find the mix of Cs that works best for you and your soon-to-be fiancee. A diamond that rates high in all aspects costs an arm and leg so, unless you’re rich, sacrifices are in order. If she likes rings that really pop then you can’t give up color because that’s what makes the diamond sparkle. If she wants a big rock then you can’t skimp on carat. If she likes flawless and symmetrical then you need to pay attention to clarity and cut.

I followed my first visit to Jewelers Row with a second a few weeks later. This time I went with Tina, after surprising her with the outing. We went to the better of the two jewelers I had visited and had a completely different experience. The jewelers swooned over us. They were very willing to pull out big rocks which made for a lot of fun. Diamonds are good looking stones, and I enjoyed watching Tina explore the possibilities of her engagement ring. Also, I was happy to get her input. I learned that she REALLY likes sparkly things, so color became key. Carats were a concern and she is a fan of square cuts. Clarity was the least important factor, but I knew I couldn’t get anything too flawed.

Tina's engagement ring, look at it bling!

After the second visit I felt informed and ready to make a decision. I knew what Tina did and did not like and I had a clue about diamonds. I also knew what to look for in an engagement band. I ended up purchasing a ring from a jeweler my dad has known for years. He showed me a limited selection of diamonds based on what I told him and sure enough one turned out to be perfect. On February 12th, 2011 I proposed to Tina with a respectably sized, square radiant cut, very high color GIA certified diamond set in a platinum band that is simple and elegant. She loved it, said yes, and we’ve been happily engaged ever since.

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The event has served as an important and timely reminder that, more often than not, women absolutely love weddings. Especially the big fairy tale ones that only a princess can have. It’s in their DNA or something, and is difficult for me to relate to.

I am guilty of losing sight of these facts during Tina & I’s wedding planning process. At times I’ve gotten too involved and begun complaining about hefty expenses, registry items that I find frivolous, or customs and rituals that I think are silly. Let me tell ya, that is not a good move. It creates stress and leaves me looking like a grouch. It’s best if I stay focused on the fact that our wedding day is a big day. It’s important, and bitching about details going against my grain is not helpful because it makes my bride-to-be’s life miserable, which, ultimately, undermines her ability to create the wedding of her dreams.

Tough lesson. Is that something all grooms come to terms with? I wonder if Prince William got schooled in those hard knocks.

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No, that's not us. I couldn't arrange the elephants in time.

That changed, however, on February 12th when I took the plunge and got engaged. Yes, my amazing fiancee Tina and I gave in to our instincts and decided to tie the knot. We hadn’t been dating long (only about 9 months) but I knew on date #2 that she would be my wife. I think it took her longer to come to terms with the fact that I would one day be her husband, but she did eventually give into the little charm that I have.

Since I put a ring on Tina’s finger life has been nothing short of a nuptial planning whirlwind. We’re not the type of folk to beat around the bush so we want to take our big leap ASAP, but we want to do it right. Meaning we want to include our friends and family. So we’ve gone for the big wedding. The 150+ guest list, cost-your-left-arm kind of affair.

This post kicks off my internet wedding diary. I’m gonna call it “One Man’s Wedding”, and through a series of posts I’ll record the 21st century groom experience. I’ll try to write down my thoughts and feelings on every fat check that I write and every crazy tradition I uphold. Hopefully this will give Tina & I a record of the insanity that will unfold between now and our October 1 wedding day. It may also give gentlemen readers a head’s up on all that is involved with phenomenon known as “wedding planning.”  I’ll try to keep it fun. I’ll try not to offend. First I’ll try to catch up because I’m two months behind on starting this series  and A LOT has happened in those two months. Stay tuned!

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